Feel The LAVA

Honestly, when you’re in a restaurant and you start asking yourself if you’re on an episode of “Bar Rescue”, you know it’s going to be an interesting visit. I use the word interesting instead of bad. My wife would say it was bad. I’m more diplomatic.

We were there for a birthday dinner. The Birthday Girl (BG) turned 22 that day and chose to come to this small grill/bar to try it out. Even had the word “Little” as the first of three words and “Grill” being the third. The food was pretty good. I had a Gourmet Burger with tater tots. In small towns everyone is pretty loose with the word Gourmet. My wife ordered the Rueben Sandwich with sweet potato fries. Strangely enough, when you look in the sandwich section on the menu, every sandwich has the word “sandwich” after it. In case you get confused, a Reuben is a Rueben Sandwich. There is also a BLT Sandwich. Whoever designed the menu loved the word “Sandwich”. Maybe his name was Dagwood… Dagwood, the Earl of Sandwich. BG ordered the Buffalo Chicken Wrap. Not to be confused with the Buffalo Chicken Sandwich in the sandwich section. A few minutes later, the waiter politely informed us that they were out of chicken tenders, thus you couldn’t order anything that required chicken tenders. “I felt a disturbance in the Force, as though a million children under the age of eight cried out simultaneously.” You lose the Mac and Cheese, and these children will burn your place down. The BG orders the Pulled Pork, and you guessed it, Sandwich.

My wife and I, having come from work and taken the 45-minute drive to pick up BG, decided to start eating when our food arrived. BG’s food was late. I mean really late. Here’s where it goes from zero to 11 on the interesting scale. The Rueben (Sandwich) was on a very dark rye and toasted. With the sandwich arriving during her second Captain (Morgan) and Ginger Ale, my wife let the waiter know, “It looks burnt’. It did look burnt. She tried it and it was just toasted. Crisis averted. Halfway through our sandwiches, we asked about BG’s meal. Waiter goes to check and comes back blaming the kitchen and says the sandwich will be out soon. We literally finish our meal. I do like me some tater tots and I had more than a few.

He finally brings the Pulled Pork (Sandwich). WTF! That took a long time to kill the pig. He then says he will talk to the manager and see about getting a free dessert. My wife says we should all get free desserts. It’s a Jedi thing she tries. The waiter comes back and takes our order for three desserts: wife asks Cheesecake (I think), a Strawberry Mousse Cake for the Birthday Girl, and I get a Chocolate LAVA cake even though I don’t want one, but hey, it’s free. Our waiter comes back and tells us the manager will only let us have one of the desserts for free, so the BG decides to go with the LAVA cake. She finishes her meal, and we decide to get the LAVA cake to go since it hasn’t arrived yet.

The waiter comes back with the check. He charged us for the LAVA cake, the LAVA cake we haven’t received. I politely ask about getting the dessert taken off the bill and his memory is instantly refreshed. Before he takes the check, I ask, “Are we still GETTING the LAVA cake because it hasn’t come yet?” He was just as surprised as we were, maybe more. Now I’m looking for cameras and a very large Italian guy to come out yelling because I think we’re on TV. I’m ready to get paid. The waiter brings the corrected check and in his other hand is the LAVA cake.

The BG opens the container and looks up at us. “It’s frozen.” She said. “It’s frozen?” I responded. Sure enough, Dude gave us a FROZEN LAVA cake. I’m definitely looking around and smiling big for any cameras. This is my big moment to break into TV and I’m not going to ruin it. Alas, no cameras, no big man yelling about how we were just served frozen LAVA cake, and no question that we’re never ever coming back to this place. We paid the check and got out of there. In the end, it was our “Bar Rescue” moment with no rescue. Remember the next time you order LAVA cake, you might want to ask if the LAVA is hot.